Biopics, whether you love them or hate them, are here to stay. Often inaccurate (never!), usually sanitised, they’re a mixed pleasure at best. What I find annoying is where the leading character bears no physical resemblance to the original.

Kevin Kline

was nothing like Cole Porter,

nor was Cary Grant

(could you find two men more dissimilar?)

although Nikolas Grace

would have been ideal. I want my people to look how they should.

So with that in mind, I have a few suggestions for biopics and suitable casting:

‘The Onlie Begetter (possibly)’, a life of the Earl of Southampton

starring Jamie Bamber

in his best Archie Kennedy mode.

‘Licence my roving hands’, with John Donne

portrayed by Ioan Gruffudd.

(Donne was of Welsh descent so the accent shouldn’t cause too much consternation.)

‘The Iron Butterfly’, a wonderful musical based on the life of Jeanette Macdonald,

starring Madonna


although more recent pictures suggest

that she might be more suited to the role of Mae West.

‘The Perfect Ten’ – alas, this film will never be made as the man I had in mind for the divine Jonny Wilkinson

was the equally lovely Heath Ledger

Maybe they’ll do a biopic of Heath and let Jonny play the part?